Plans Change...

We're not having a baby after all. I had a miscarriage last week. Actually, it's my second (the first was before I got pregnant with Eric). Why these things happen I don't know. I know the statistics say something like 20% of pregnancies end in a miscarriage, but that doesn't help your hurting heart much. I still wonder why there was a heartbeat one week and all indications were that everything was good and then there wasn't. What happened to this little one? I keep asking this question to God knowing that I won't know the answer. I wrestle with this...the what happened and why question. I am so profoundly sad that I won't be able to be a mother to this baby or that this little one won't be a part of our family here on earth. My heart smiles, though as I consider that this one is with our Heavenly Father, being spared all the pain and sorrow life on earth brings with it.

I keep thinking of Job in the Bible when he was surrounded with calamity from all fronts he said, "Should we accept good from God and not bad, too?" (my paraphrase). A popular song I have sung in church for years has also be on my mind a lot these days. The lyric is, "You give and take away. My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name." My head is asking the questions, my aching heart is choosing to trust God.

I must say a tremendous blessing has been good friends. Our good friends Kelly and Steve were visiting us while all this unraveled and their presence represented a sense of family and home for me. My mother-in-law went out of her way to make sure Little Eric was taken care of. Friends near and far that knew what was going on have been willing to enter into our grief with us. I have made some really good friends over the past year here, friendships for which I am grateful. What has made a deep impression on me is how many people have openly acknowledged the miscarriage and been heartfelt in their sadness, not mincing words, not feeling akward, not covering it over with idle chit chat. This has been refreshing to me as it has helped the grieving process along for me.

So, here we are pressing on and taking it as it comes. Looking for the good in it all and feeling the sadness along the way. My hope is in Him and his promise that my life and the life of my family is in His hands. The day before all of this happened a friend reminded me that God is saying this to me, "For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Then you will have a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)"

Thank you, Lord that your mercy is new every morning. Thank you that I can weep and not fall apart. Thank you that there is hope for more than what I see here on earth. Thank for the incredible husband and child I have right now. You are good. Amen.


* p.s. I have literally been trying to write this for about three days and everytime I actually get a chance to get on the computer and get my thoughts focused the electricity goes out. Today I actually wrote this through four power outtages each time the computer turning off in the middle of a sentence. Is it strange that my 2 1/2 year old knows how to say, "No power or water" ("No hay luz, ni agua). Thank God I am finally done!!