Toddler Joy

You know, daily I have a moment where I crack up because Little Eric has done something hilarious, a moment where I want to pull my hair out because I don’t think I can hear one more complaint, a moment where I just stare at him in complete awe at this amazing human being, and a moment where I am so tired I just want to lay down right where I am and fall asleep. There is no question in my mind that our little baby has become a little boy and has entered toddlerhood. I marvel at how this happened almost without me noticing. It seems like one day I was carrying him up and down the stairs because he couldn’t do it on his own and now he doesn’t even want me to hold his hand.

Toddlerhood has its challenges, I’ll tell you. Very little gets accomplished without a complaint. He wants water, but he doesn’t want his sippy cup, he wants MY glass of ice water, even though he will more than likely end up dumping most of it on himself and the floor, after which he complains that his clothes are wet. He wants to do almost everything by himself and often gets frustrated when he can’t accomplish the task, like putting his sock or shoe on. It is a test in patience to encourage him to try again while he is expressing his frustration, usually accompanied by, “no, no, no!” over and over again. On top of all of this we are going from two naps to one, and the little guy is often dog tired and cranky by the end of the day.

I know all of this is par for the course and it will pass. I know that his lack of language skills raises the level of frustration he feels when he can't get his point across. I know that the best thing I can do is slow down and be patient, but man is it ever hard! I guess I always thought toddlerhood was hardest on the toddler as they work through frustrating moment after frustrating moment of trying to learn how to do things with their limited ability to communicate. But, I am re-thinking this as I come to grips with my escalating emotions that flair up without almost any warning when an “incident” strikes. I marvel at moms I know who seem to have an endless supply of patience. This is not me, never has been, and I am sure never will be. The downside of my “bubbly” extroverted personality is a short supply of patience.

I am trying to take a breath before reacting when my little angel inadvertantly dumps a glass of water on me from the bathtub because he missed the inside. I am trying my hardest to use my own “words” when I am frustrated at the little wiggleworm who won't stay still to have his diaper changed. But, can I just admit that it’s hard? My angry side has reared it’s ugly head too many times. And, I realize how I truly can’t do this motherhood thing without strength from God. I have started getting up early before anyone else is up just to gather my thoughts and pray for strength to get through the day. This seems to center me and help me tremendously.

I also remind myself daily that we have just interrupted Eric's life by moving him to a new country. I know that in some ways he has been a lot more resilient than we have, but I also know big life changes have an affect on little ones. And, I remind myself that he is trying to find his voice as he navigates through two languages everyday. He has actually stopped using some of the words he knows and has started babbling more. I think he might be trying to speak in Spanish and is probably totally confused about what word to use for what thing. It will yield an amazing bi-lingual reward…I know it will. And, you know I mostly really want to encourage him to grow and become the person he is created to be. In all of this I really don’t want to squelch or supress who he is. Sometimes it’s just hard to know the difference between teaching him boundaries and allowing him the freedom to explore.

I just finished reading this amazing book called “The Myth of the Perfect Mother” by Carla Barnhill about the darker side of motherhood. Mothers often don’t find a forum for the range of struggles and frustrations we deal with. The book also brings up how the church has imposed an idea that a mother’s place is at home full-time with her children and the guilt women feel when they have to or choose to work full or part-time away from home. I have had the book on my bedside table for over a year , moving it here with me to the Dominican Republic before finally picking it up. Talk about finding the right book at the right time! It was music to my soul to see my struggles as a mom on the pages of a book that didn’t try to give a quick fix, but rather gave a voice to what I call the “dark side” of motherhood. It has helped me realize I am not alone as I struggle with things like isolation, guilt over not being the perfect mother I thought I would be, anger, frustration and unmet expectations. It has reminded me that finding something to do in addition to motherhood is not only offers me an outlet for my passions and a contribution to the world outside my door, but time away will probably allow me to be a better mother and wife while I am home.

I don’t want to spend too much time on a soapbox here, but it’s just good to talk about the “real” stuff of life. Right now in the midst of figuring out our lives I, too, am struggling to figure out what my role is right now. We are looking into a morning Montessori program for Eric a couple of days a week. I think it will be good for Eric to be with other children, to be in a stimulating learning environment (especially in Spanish) and to gain some independence. I also think it will be good for me to have some time to pursue something outside of our house. There are so many things I can pursue in this new country I am living in and I think it’s time to start getting out there. It’s all just part of the getting settled process.